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<title>It's Painful to Never Do More Than Dream of It by skullgems</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24622174">It's Painful to Never Do More Than Dream of It</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/skullgems/pseuds/skullgems'>skullgems</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Final Fantasy XIV</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, heustienne deserved better</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:40:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,028</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24622174</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/skullgems/pseuds/skullgems</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After reuniting, the WoL and Heustienne discuss self discovery and some personal matters.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Heustienne/K’lyhia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>It's Painful to Never Do More Than Dream of It</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I wrote this and then two months came out myself.<br/>It's a simple fic but it makes me happy. Hopefully it makes other people happy, too.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Heustienne?” Aisra pulled the collar of her coat tighter around her neck, watching her breath in the cold Ishgard air. It was night on the Coerthas Central Highlands front, moon high in the sky and the stars twinkling unbidden by the usual treetops of Gridania that Aisra was used to.<br/>She’d awoken from a nightmare, thirsty and in need of some air, and after tossing a jacket over her nightgown and throwing on her boots, found Heustienne, sitting on a ledge with her focus entirely on the stars above. Aisra hadn’t been entirely certain it was her, assuming she was asleep like everyone else, but… No, it was her. And she looked upset, lost deep in thoughts unknown to the rest of the world.</p><p>It wasn’t like her to be so distracted.</p><p>The initial call of her name wasn’t enough to rouse her from her pondering, so Aisra tried again, a little louder, taking a step towards her. “Heustienne?”</p><p>The Elezen tensed, turning to look at the Miqo’te with a slightly pained smile. “Mistress Aisra… I didn’t think anyone else was awake. Usually this is time I just take for myself to stand guard and… Do some thinking.”</p><p>Aisra sat beside her, smoothing the skirt of her nightgown and bringing her knees up to wrap her arms around. It sucked to sit in the snow, but something told her this would be an important conversation. “… What all is on your mind?”</p><p>After Heustienne’s parting, moons passed before Aisra saw her again. The Elezen had shown up on her doorstep, asking her to go back to Ishgard with her to take care of a few things, and Aisra of course couldn’t say no to her. A lot of it boiled down to clearing some of the areas caves, getting rid of some of the monsters that had taken root inside. There wasn’t much room for conversation, and Heustienne had seemed hesitant to really talk about anything of consequence.<br/>Though, if she was being honest, given recent events that suited Aisra just fine. The passing of Haurchefant and Ysayle in such a short time had left her with a certain kind of emptiness inside that she wasn’t really prepared to address, or move on from.</p><p>“… Well, many things, I suppose. I’ve gone through a lot of… Changes, as you know and they’ve forced me to really look inwards, and learn about myself. The real me, not the me that wanted nothing but to make my father happy, now that that’s a bit out of the question…” Aisra winced slightly as she listened. “I’ve been travelling, helping people where I can, just as you’ve done! It’s… Truly helped me understand what it really means to be a dragoon, instead of what frankly amounts to the sham that Estinien wants us all to be.”</p><p><br/>She took a breath, dropping her gaze out to the fields of white snow that stretched before them. “I’ve met a lot of people on these travels. One of them… We paired up for quite a while. Several dungeons, even shared a tent and an inn room a few times. And we became quite close… Closer than I think I’ve been to anyone. Closer than… I thought possible for me.”</p><p>Aisra rested her cheek on her knees, face turned towards Heustienne, ears pricked intently towards her as she listened closely. It was hard to tell if the red in Heustienne’s cheeks were a result of the cold or the conversation.</p><p><br/>“I once chased after Estinien because he… Was the best. A rival, and someone I could aspire to be. I had been convinced the two of us would marry one day, and that that would be good for our families… For the Dragoons themselves. But what I once thought I felt for him pales in comparison to what I feel for that companion. Constantly I wish they were here, that we were together under these stars.” Heustienne closed her eyes. “But… My companion… Was a woman. A Miqo’te, much like you. A very bookish sort, endeared to the magics of the Arcanists.”</p><p>As Aisra listened, realization dawned. “… Are you talking about K’lyhia?”</p><p>Heustienne’s head whipped to the side, eyes snapping open. “You know her?! She spoke of someone that sounded like you, but I didn’t think…” The red in her cheeks deepened, and she sighed, gaze softening. “… Yes, I am. I’ve… Been really wanting to talk to you about all this, because I know you’re… Well…”</p><p><br/>“Gay.” Aisra said, smiling slightly. “Yeah, I don’t try to hide it, and it’s… A natural part of what makes me, me. Y’know?”</p><p><br/>“How did you… Realize?”</p><p><br/>“Well… I have two moms, so it came to me a little easier than most as far as deep self realizations go…” Aisra shrugged. “I gotta ask – how does this differ from how you felt about Estinien?”</p><p>“… I…” Heustienne looked away. “I feel I could actually be with her if I let myself. Estinien was so… Distant, but I was told I would find a husband one day, and given our positions…”</p><p>“… Right…”</p><p>A comfortable silence hung in the air for a few more heartbeats.</p><p>“… A lot of people who are… Like us… Go through that. You’re told to find a husband, even though you really don’t want to, and don’t even like boys. So you chase someone inaccessible, be it emotionally or otherwise.” Aisra explained, voice warm. “What you feel for K’lyhia? That’s real. Embrace it, it’s the real you you’ve been searching for. It’s always been there, and now you’re free to just… Live.”</p><p>“But… What if she isn’t…”</p><p>“Oh, she is.”</p><p>“Oh. … How do you know?”</p><p>Aisra shrugged. “We talked about it, it just kinda… Came up. She’s been through a lot, and it’s one of the things she mentioned struggling with for a while…” She frowns slightly. “Heustienne…? I know your dad was probably… Pretty awful about these sorts of things, but I promise there’s nothing wrong with you for liking girls. It’s a part of who you’ve always been, even if you didn’t fully realize it.”</p><p>Heustienne nodded slowly.</p><p>“Thank you, Aisra… Um… Do you think… She’d like me too?”</p>
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